December 16th, 2008 in Advice
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We all know them. They stumble around campus with perpetual bed-head, a consistent blood alcohol content level of .04, and a Cheeto stained v-neck t-shirt. It is quite apparent that they are having their way paid by their rich parents.
Philosophy. The biggest waste of time on the planet. You pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to just think about stuff. Thats it. Do you know what you can do with a philosophy degree? Teach philosophy, which consists of asking questions that have no answers. The teacher of philosophy is in no way a teacher, just encouraging stoners to ponder their ideas that were inspired by pot. The cycle continues because the only time there was a demand for philosophers, the last of the dinosaurs had just phased out.
College: Ball State University
Price: Your self respect
Yes. This is actually a major. In college. Real colleges. If movies have taught me anything, its that you NEVER go to school for dance, because there will always be some cocky douche that grew up on the streets that will “serve” you because he wasn’t classically trained, and the world will love that cocky douche while you wasted all of your money at college getting a BULLSHIT DEGREE. Then you become friends and make some hybrid dance where you are out-danced anyway, but you don’t care because you have a friend. A friend that cost you $27,000 a year. And who is still better than you. Hope it was worth it.
8. Leisure Studies
College: University of Iowa
Price: Doesn’t matter, their parents are paying for it anyway
A leisure studies major is essentially a beer pong major. They are the lowest of the low on campus. What does one do with a study in leisure studies? The same thing they’ve done the rest of their life. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. They will either end up in a cubicle or live off of their inheritance.
College: Colgate University
Price: $0. You know that the Latin Major got a full ride.
Latin majors. WTF. What are you doing? You are majoring in something that DOESN’T EXIST. Its like majoring in harpsichord performance. NOBODY PLAYS THE HARPSICHORD. Just like nobody speaks or reads Latin. “But they can translate!” you say, well what are they going to translate that hasn’t already been translated? Nobody writes in Latin anymore, so everything that was ever written in it, HAS ALREADY BEEN TRANSLATED. This is the equivalent to a construction worker going up to houses, and saying, “Yeah, it looks good” and moving on. THERES NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU LATIN MAJORS. Switch to leisure studies.
Price: 12 pack of Natty Light. Every day. For four years.
A degree in communications in communications is perhaps the worst because they are majoring in the art of BS. With a communications degree, one would imagine that it enables you to be a diplomat and communicate with others easily, however it is extremely hard to communicate with someone in a drunken stupor. The only thing that a communication major uses his degree for is to attempt to communicate with a police officer as he is given a DUI.
5. Art History
College: Hollins University
Price: Hipster clothes from American Apparel, and concert tickets to see a band “only like four people have heard of man”
Ah, the endless possibilities of an Art History major. There’s Burger King, Wendy’s, McDonalds, Taco Bell, Arby’s…. So many possibilities! They just have nothing to do with art history, because there is no demand for an art historian… except in fast food. They can always use the help. Of all these degrees, this must be my favorite, because instead of complaining about art, they make my fries. I salute you art history major.
4. Physical Education
College: Capital University
Price: Season tickets to whatever sporting event is in town.
Not only is this a bullshit degree, for a bullshit class, it is actually pretty creepy. What kind of person chooses to watch young children run around the gym, sweating, and playing volleyball? A PEDOPHILE. Not saying that all of them are, but come on, every single one of them is an ’89 Chevy Astro away from jail…
3. Women’s Studies
College: George Washington University
Price: Hillary Clinton Campaign Merchandise
Why anyone would major in Women’s Studies is beyond me. I can’t begin to fathom why anyone would want this to be their life. Women’s struggles were hard, and I respect what they achieved, but a career about it? Just like a philosophy major, the only job in that field, is teaching philosophy just as the only career in Women’s Studies, is teaching women’s studies. Come to think of it, philosophy majors have two jobs, teaching philosophy, and figuring out Women’s Studies majors.
2. Art Therapy
College: School of Visual Arts
Price: Whatever the going rate for marijuana is.
Let me give you a definition of Art Therapy, it is used to help cure psychological problems, and some even claim that it cures illnesses. Let that sink in. Drawing, cures their illnesses. What is this? Are we in the dark ages? This isn’t even BS, well it is, but its more than that, its modern day witch craft! I feel sorry for anyone who has chosen this career path, for your chances of being burned at the steak are much greater than mine. Although maybe you could draw some protective spell that makes us all question our existence… damn philosophy majors. I bet they’re in on this together.
College: Johns Hopkins University
Price: Lifetime of coffee and Starbucks internet fee’s
$35k a year for a poetry degree has to be the worst way to waste your parent’s money in American higher education. That is an undeniable fact. Poets sit around and stare at objects and describe them in the most roundabout ways possible, with words that the average American doesn’t understand. Then they pay someone to critique their garbage, and somehow get a degree. WTF. Studies have shown that the poet only needs a computer, and coffee to survive. Claims have been made that poets will actually leave a Starbucks, yet we have seen none in the wild to date. Unless they’re looking at a flower or something of less value.